


I Need You to Be Okay

by ZequoiaRose



Series: The Memories That Were Forgotten [4]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Sad Dean Winchester, Stanford Era, Stanford Era (Supernatural), Suicidal Dean Winchester, tw
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-04 21:54:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,428
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25123489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ZequoiaRose/pseuds/ZequoiaRose
Summary: Sam curses this vicious cycle that they keep circling in. Every time they seem to catch a break, someone breaks. Dean, his older brother, wants to die. And Sam knows, he knows that the only reason Dean stays is because of him. But Sam is also too selfish to let go. So he pushes, knowing that Dean has never been able to say no to him. Sam pushes this one, because he is selfish, and scared, and lonely, and he just needs his big brother. Dean will say yes. He will stay for him. He has to.AKA Dean is straight up not okay.
Relationships: Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Jessica Moore/Sam Winchester
Series: The Memories That Were Forgotten [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1732231
Comments: 12
Kudos: 125





	I Need You to Be Okay

Sam wanders to the kitchen, barely managing to keep his eyes open. He finds Jess at the table with a bowl of cereal. Dean is there, too. He’s been showing up more and more since the day he came for help after Dad had beat him half to death. Every time he comes he makes up some shitty excuse as to why he’s there. “Oh, I was in the area, thought I’d stop by,” “I need help stitching this up,” “I need you to research this for me.” Sam knows that Dean actually drives out of his way to see him, but he’ll let Dean keep up his manly wall. This time though, he hasn’t said anything. He’s been more quiet than usual. Even Jess noticed. He came in and gave no excuse and no matter how hard Sam searches he can’t find what he is hiding. He has ruled out physical injury, which only leaves...

Sam shakes his head. He can’t think about that before coffee. He grabs a cup and finds a seat at the table. Jess sends him a smile and Dean doesn’t even look up. Sam frowns. He really needs to find out what is going on. 

After he downs most of the coffee in his cup, he finally speaks. “So, I was thinking of going to the store and then to look for something that could fix that door that jess has been whining about all week. Want to come, Dean?’’

Dean looks at him for the first time all morning, and Sam reads nothing in his eyes. Absolutely nothing. “No, I think I’ll stay. I was thinking about going back to bed, anyway. I haven’t really been sleeping.” Dean goes to put his still full mug in the sink before making his way out of the room. Dean never sleeps. Especially not in the daylight. Sam watches him go with an even deeper frown. 

“He seems... off,” Jess murmurs, quietly. 

“Yeah... I don’t know what’s going on,” Sam agrees with a sigh. 

“I’m worried. He’s not really eating. Or talking. Does he normally get like this?” Jess questions. 

“No?” Sam answers it like a question, wracking his brain. “He was always so collected. I think the only time I remember him getting like this was-“ Sam freezes in realization. “Oh god.”

“What?” Jess is looking more and more nervous. 

“He... Oh no. Maybe I’m wrong.”

“Sam, come on. Tell me what’s happening.”

Sam finally looks at her. “The only time I remember him like this was when he was going to-. He went to Bobby’s, and I had to go to him. He was so empty. Jess, his eyes this morning... We need to do something. He can’t. Jess, I can’t lose him-“

“Sam, stop!” Jess is in his face. He hadn’t even noticed her moving. His breathing is ragged. “You need to calm down. We will help Dean. Of course we will. But you panicking right now isn’t going to get us anywhere. He came here for a reason, Sam. He’s here right now. It’s going to be okay.” Sam searches her eyes, slowly forcing himself to slow his breathing. She’s right. He came here. Just like he went to Bobby’s. Because Dean doesn’t want to die. “Good. Now here is what’s going to happen: you are going to go to the store for groceries-“

“No, Jess, I can’t leave him! I-“

“Sam Winchester,” Jess cuts him off. “You will go and clear your head. You are no help to him right now. I will go up and see if I can talk to him, but you need to go and take a breath, okay?”

Even though Sam’s everything is fighting to say no - that’s his brother up there, his brother who is hurting - he nods. He stands and jerkily grabs the keys. Jess grabs his arm as he tries to leave the room. 

“Hey, it’s going to be okay. I love you, Sam. He’s going to be fine.” Sam nods, feeling his eyes well with tears. She grips him in a tight hug. “Now go get us some food.”

Sam smiles at that, holding her for just a few more seconds, taking comfort in her strong grip. He pulls away and makes is to the door before turning back to look at Jess. “Thank you,” is all he can get out of his too tight throat. But she smiles, and he knows she understands. 

———————————————

Dean lays is bed, listening to the door click open then close softly. He knows it’s Jess. He heard them talking. He knows he should sit up and deny what they’re thinking, but he is so tired. Jess sits on the chair that is beside the bed. She stays silent, just sitting with him, and that more than anything breaks Dean. He feels tears pool in his eyes and curses at himself. He makes himself speak, to break the silence that threatens to crack Dean to the core. “This was meant to be a goodbye.”

Jess sucks in a breath, closing her eyes for the briefest second before giving Dean a watery smile. “Good thing we cracked your code, then,” she whispers. 

Silence stretchers again, and Dean feels the pit in his stomach ease slightly as a tear trails his cheek, and soon enough he feels the exhaustion sweeping in and taking him away. 

———————————————

Sam drops the groceries on the counter, hurrying to put everything away. He jumps up the stairs and finds the door already open to Dean’s room. Jess sits in a the chair with a textbook in her lap and Dean is sleeping quietly on the bed. He sighs and his chest releases the stress he hadn’t even realized was there. Jess smiles at him, inviting him to enter the room. 

“Did he say anything?” Sam asks, hesitantly. 

Jess’s smile droops. “He said that this was supposed to be his goodbye.”

Sam’s heart stops. He knew what was going on, but he still had a tiny hope that he was wrong. He nods in acknowledgment to Jess before gently lowering himself beside Dean on the bed, taking comfort in the rising and falling of his chest. 

It can’t be even fifteen minutes later that Dean jerks awake, searching the room for some type of terror before settling back down and seeing Jess still in the chair and then to Sam who stays still beside him, giving the older a moment to take in his surroundings. 

Dean flops to his back and lowers an arm over his eyes. Sam can see through it, though. He has already seen the shine in Dean’s eyes. “Dean.”

“I know. I know, okay?” Dean says, sharply. “I know that Jess probably told you, and I know what you’re thinking, but I-“ he cuts himself off. Shaking his head as his chest shudders. “I don’t know what to do, Sammy.”

“What do you mean?” Sam whispers. 

“I don’t know.”

“Well, you have to give me a little more than that, Dean.” Sam sits up in frustration. 

“Sam-“ Jess tries, but Sam doesn’t let her. 

“No, Jess. I can’t just let him do this to himself. Come on, Dean. You can’t expect me to be okay with this!”

“I know,” Dean murmurs, curling into himself on his side. 

“Dean- you-“ Sam takes a deep breath, trying to calm himself. “You want to- to kill yourself-“ Sam ignores Dean’s wounded sound. “I can’t let that happen. Dean, I can’t lose you.”

“Yes, you can.”

“What? What do you mean? You don’t think I’d care? Dean, you’re my brother. I need you. I need you to stay. I can’t do this stupid life without you.”

Dean jerks to a sitting position so suddenly that Sam jumps. He grips his hair so tightly and leans forward as if he is physically sick. “Yes, you can, Sam!” He almost yells. 

Still at a loss from Dean’s reaction, Sam asks, “What do you mean?”

“You would be okay. I mean, look at you. You did all of this. My whole life was you,” Dean looks at him, his eyes desperate, his entire body reading pain. “You were everything to me. You were the only thing that mattered, Sammy. All of the other shit didn’t matter. It was always about you. And now you don’t need me anymore. And, god, I am so proud of you, but I don’t know what to do. Without- Oh god,” More tears slide down his face as trembles shake his entire being. “I don’t know what to do anymore. Why the hell am I even here? You’re happy, and I keep coming back and you don’t need me-“

“I do need you, Dean! You think I don’t? God, I can’t even imagine living without you being here. I wouldn’t want to.”

“You’re happy here, Sammy-“

“Not without you. I thought I would be happy. But I found out that I really can’t be.”

“Because Dad isn’t-“

“I don’t give a shit about Dad, Dean-

“Sam-“

“I miss you! I miss you, Dean! Can you not see that?” Sam please. “I can’t do anything without you. I haven’t felt at home or even okay until you came back. I can’t do it, De. Please. You have to see,” Sam is desperate now, sobbing through his words as he pictures life without his brother. “Please, Dean-“

Dean grips Sam’s shoulders tightly, burying his face in Sam’s neck. “Stop, stop, Sam. Come on, Sammy. Take a breath. I’m sorry.”

Sam can’t stop crying. His grip on Dean must be bordering on painful, but he can’t find it in himself to care. “Please, Dean. Please, stay.” Sam curses this vicious cycle that they keep circling in. Every time they seem to catch a break, someone breaks. Dean, his older brother, wants to die. And Sam knows, he knows that the only reason Dean stays is because of him. But Sam is also too selfish to let go. So he pushes, knowing that Dean has never been able to say no to him. Sam pushes this one, because he is selfish, and scared, and lonely, and he just needs his big brother. Dean will say yes. He will stay for him. He has to. 

“Sam, I can’t-“

“No,” Sam growls. “No, I need you. You can’t do this to me. Do you understand?” Sam jerks away from Dean as if he’s been burned. He’s angry. So angry and he doesn’t even understand why. But all he can see is red. He swings and can feel the crack of his fist against Dean’s jaw, making him stumble off the bed. “You can’t, Dean! Please!”

“Sam!” Jess yells. He had completely forgot that she was in the room, but her voice instantly pierces through the red and he sees her standing in front of him with tears freely running. “Sam, stop.” She reaches and pulls him into a hug by his neck. He really needs to teach her some safety tips, he thinks, even as he grips her, calming himself. He pulls away and looks at Dean, who is huddled on the floor, sobbing into his hand. Sam instantly drops and pulls Dean into his arms. 

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, Dean.” Dean shakes his head. They stay like that, and Sam finds himself rocking as Den settles. “It’s going to be okay. I promise. It’s going to be okay.”

Dean finally lifts his head while nodding and wiping harshly at his face. “I’m sorry, Sammy.”

Thinking the worst, Sam’s hands begin shaking again. “No, no, please, Dean-“

“Sam, it’s okay. It’s okay. I’m not going anywhere.” 

Relief hits Sam like a wall and he sags against the weight. He feels Jess come beside him, but he can’t hear a word. He just watches Dean as Jess first leads him to bed, then moves to lead Sam to lay once again beside Dean. The white noise continues and before he knows it, he’s falling asleep with Dean right in front of him. 

———————————————-

It’s been two weeks since that day, and Dean has been getting better. He eats and talks and smiles and even gripes at Sam’s constant hovering. Most days the three of them spend many hours in the living room. While Sam and Jess study on the couch, Dean wonders in and out of the room, doing who knows what. Today though, a knock breaks the comfortable silence. Sam groans and walks to the door, leaving two confused faces. He swings the door open and instantly wishes they didn’t stay home as much as they do. 

“Dad?” He hears Dean stop in his tracks. 

“Sam,” his dad barely even looks at him. “Where’s Dean.” He doesn’t wait, he pushes his way through Sam and finds Dean. “Dean, come on. Let’s go. I have a lead. Ive been trying to get a hold of you. Picture my surprise at finding you with Sam after everything he has done.”

Sam’s heard enough. He grabs the back of his dad’s shirt and uses his surprise to shove him out the door. Sam steps out behind him and closes the door. 

“Boy, I don’t know what’s gotten into-“

“No. You listen. You don’t get to take Dean.”

“Like hell-“

“Shut your fucking mouth,” Sam hisses through his teeth. “Do you want to know why Dean came here? Do you want to know?” he yells. “He wanted to kill himself, Dad. He wanted to kill himself and you didn’t even notice. And neither did I. And I can’t stop thinking about it. We should have looked. We should have just realized... He wants to die. And I can’t lose him. I just can’t. And if you don’t care then leave. We could have lost him, Dad. And it would have been on your hands.” Sam knows it’s awful, but he revels at the grief-stricken look on his father’s face. 

“Sammy, you can’t think-“

“It’s Sam.”

He sees the older man’s throat work as he struggles to swallow. Sam can’t help the unsure feeling as his dad’s eyes fill. “Sam, I didn’t know-“

The door opens and Sam turns to find Dean with that fucking bag over his shoulder. “Dean-“

“Ah, c’mon, Sammy. You know the rules. I’m just happy it lasted this long.” Dean smiles, and Sam feels lost. “Take care of your girl.” And then he walks away. 

Their dad stares at Sam before turning and laving without another word, leaving Sam on his front porch, staring as that black hunk of metal rolls away, carrying his brother with it.

**Author's Note:**

> Here’s the thing. I don’t really think this is healthy, but not a lot in our boys’ lives are. Dean’s mental health has always been sketchy at best and that doesn’t just go away, no matter what happens. Anyway, It kind of just came out and this is what I was left with. Tell me what you think?  
> Comments and Kudos make my day! Thank you for reading!


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